How to have bad table manners

As most of you know, Thursday was my birthday and on the Friday I was having a meal at TGI Friday's. That's when a thought occurred, how does one have bad table manners? I got my iPhone out and searched for the answer but nothing, so I thought I'd make this blog post on the subject. You could use this for example if you are going to be forced to dine with someone you do not like, follow these simple steps and you'll never have to dine with those person(s) again.

1) Always chew food with your mouth open
This one is quite easy, many people actually do this without realising that they are doing it.

2) Snack and Crunch
When eating you're eating make sure you snack and crunch on your food at a loud volume. Make sure that it can be heard around the entire table and also in the surrounding environment.

3) Eat fast
Always make sure you eat fast, do not eat slow. Try to make sure you make as much mess as possible, spilling on the floor, table and your shirt. Forget the use of napkins - wipe your hands on your shirt, trousers or on the table cloth.

4) ALWAYS speak with your mouth full
This is extremely important. Speaking with food in your mouth makes conversation difficult to hear, as well as that a mouth full of food is unpleasant for the other diners. If you want to ask your dining companions a question, do not wait for them to finish chewing - just ask away.

5) Reaching
Imagine an invisible boundary on the table which separates your personal space with the other diners'. Feel more than welcome to invade this space. For example if there is a bottle of ketchup next to another diner, don't ask them to pass the ketchup or even ask if you are okay to use it, just reach out and grab the object.

6) Stuff your mouth full of food
Always bite off more than you can chew, stuff your cheeks full of food and take exceedingly large bites. Also form a ball in one cheek and take a sip of your drink while chewing.

7) 1/2 Bites
If you have placed an area of your meal on your fork, don't immediately eat the whole thing - Take 1/2 a bite of that food.

8) Fidgeting
Fidget with your tie, jewellery, adjust flatware, play with your (unused) napkin or hair, anything that makes your dining companions think that they are boring you.

9) Completing your meal
Once you have completed your meal, push the plate away in a small, but aggressive manner and make a table announcement that you have finished eating - This will make the other diners feel pressured to finish their food faster.

10) Slouch
Slouch on your chair, this will show that you are not alert or engaged in the surrounding environment.

11) Picking your teeth
No bad table manners would be complete without using a toothpick in full view of the other diners. When you are cleaning your teeth with your tongue make sure it is done at a high volume. This is an unattractive habit.